Picture to go with yesterday's post....

I had this particular photo in mind when I was writing that post yesterday, so I thought I'd post it too. She's about 5 weeks old here. I remember at the time that I thought this was the cutest little picture showing Avery's scrawny little legs and how long and thin she was! Now it makes me a little bit sad because now that I have Brogan I realise that healthy babies really do have quite strong legs from the very beginning. And do you see what I mean about her little long thin feet? They still look almost as fragile now. I do now wonder what her legs and feet would have looked like had she not been born with hydrocephalus and CP. I think the other thing that's been bothering me a little bit is that it now makes me wonder whether I should have been doing a better job. I think that because I was never really aware of how much she was affected I now wonder whether I would have pushed her more and worked harder to help her reach milestones if I'd been more aware of what she "should" have been doing. I don't know. I suppose there are good things and not so good things about her being my first, because it meant I had all the time in the world to devote to her, but it also meant that maybe I wasn't completely aware of how much help she really did need, if you know what I mean.

Brogan's feet make me sad...

This might sound a little strange or something, but sometimes my 4 month old baby boy Brogan makes me sad....! Here's why. Avery was my first baby, and so I don't think I was really aware of everything that was not "normal", since I'd never had any experience with other babies. So it's only now that I have Brogan that I can truly appreciate how Avery's medical conditions have affected her since before she was even born. She was so skinny and cute and frail, and now I have Brogan who is sturdy and strong and reaching milestones on time, and it makes me really see for the first time really how hard Avery has always had to work. She's amazing. This afternoon I was once again looking at Brogan's feet and legs, and he has such strong legs with the little fat rolls and his feet are so perfectly proportioned. Poor Avery. She's always had such skinny, frail little legs, and if you compare her long, thin feet with Brogan's, even now it almost looks like Brogan's feet are more ready to carry his weight and walk than Avery's are to do the same. It makes me wonder whether her feet would actually look different if she didn't have CP. I'm sure her legs would, because I think a lot of the skinniness is a result of her poor weak muscles, but I hadn't thought about the possibility that her feet may actually have developed differently as a result of the CP too. I wonder.... We have been working so hard on the W-sitting thing, but it makes Avery so frustrated sometimes. I feel bad for her, because it's how she's most comfortable and stable, but I just can't let her do it knowing how bad it is for her developing bones and muscles. Gabe and I both tried to W-sit this morning, and it's not comfortable...! Gabe couldn't even do it, and while I managed to get into that position, it was NOT comfortable! It can't be good for anyone, let alone my little girl with her leg problems...!
Anyway, should I feel bad about feeling a little sad? I absolutely adore both of my children, that's not even a question, and I am excited by all Brogan's progress, but in addition to the excitement there is also sadness for me. Sadness for my little girl who, since the day she was born, has had to be coaxed and forced towards developmental milestones which come so naturally to other children, and yet she's born it all so well, and I think she thinks that it's totally normal and that everybody must go to all these doctors and therapy appointments all the time!
I also have been thinking that it was also a blessing that Avery was my first baby. Not only for the fact that it meant I was able to devote all my attention to her and her extra needs, but also because it meant that I was able to avoid just a little bit of the anxiety in a way, because I didn't have a "normal" child to compare and contrast her progress against. Do you know what I mean? *sigh* I feel as though I'm babbling a lot but not actually getting my point across properly... sorry!
Also, sorry for the lack of posts recently....my Mother is visiting until the day after Christmas, and we've been really busy. Poor excuse, I know, but it's the only one I have :)